When We Stay Together For The Children

Lately, I’ve had several heartfelt and brutally honest conversations with friends and readers that have struck a deep chord. Through them all, one thing remains clear: as parents, we love our children profoundly and unconditionally with our whole hearts, and we want to give them the very best. Sadly, even with all we strive to do and be, there is one question that continues to arise which fills us with dread: when we, as a couple, are no longer happy, should we stay together for the sake of our kids?

Clearly, it’s a complicated question, one that many have examined over and over. It’s one that I spent a great deal of time pondering, myself, many years ago.

There are those who would say that we, as parents, should forgo our own happiness for the sake of our kids. It’s our job to provide for them and to put their needs first, and our own happiness should come second. As long as we can get along well enough, as a couple, to maintain a stable and seemingly happy home, then that is what we should do.

In this respect, I suppose it comes down to what we define as a happy home, and what we believe we should provide for our children when we say we want to give them the best.

While there are those who hold to this position, it’s one that makes me wonder. If it’s our responsibility as parents to raise our children in a happy home, then why do we believe raising them in an atmosphere that is less than genuinely happy is sufficient? And if we believe it’s our job to provide them with the best we can give, then why does this not include providing them with the very best parents they can have?

As it is, many believe happiness is a sacrifice parents should be willing to make. If we are comfortable, and stable, and “okay”, then we should be fine with settling for less than true love and happiness, as long as our children are well.

However, maybe we are asking the question in reverse. Perhaps the question isn’t whether or not the life we’re living is okay for us. Maybe the question we should be asking ourselves is this: is the life we’re living the life we would want for our kids?

While we may believe we’re doing a grand gesture by martyring ourselves for our children, the reality is rarely as romantic. More often, we find ourselves stuck in a place of complacency, hoping no one will notice. But the truth is, our children see everything, and they imitate what they see. Whether we realize it or not, every day we are providing a model, a blueprint, by which they will build their own lives. And one of the fundamental lessons they will gleam from us is the way in which they will develop relationships.

By watching us, our children will learn and understand how to care for others, as well as how they should expect to be treated. And, most importantly, they will learn how to care for themselves.

Often, we think if we get along well enough with our spouse, and we treat each other with respect, then this should be enough. But our children see much more than we realize. Not only do they watch our daily interactions and behaviors, they pick up on our mental and emotional state. If they sense distance, ambivalence, or disinterest, then this is what they’ll internalize. If our relationship is lacking in true love, intimacy, and affection, then this is what they’ll consider normal.

As parents, we naturally want our kids to have more than we do. But perhaps we should consider the extent to which our children’s happiness depends upon our own. We can tell our kids not to settle for less than true love and happiness, even when we do so ourselves, but our words are rarely what they will follow. Our children will have trouble cultivating the life we desire for them if we, ourselves, don’t show them what it should look like. It’s more likely they’ll grow up to be just like us and replicate the home they grew up in.

Too often, as parents, we think wanting happiness for ourselves makes us selfish. But perhaps, when we choose a better life for ourselves, we’re teaching our children it’s okay for them to do the same. While it isn’t always easy, demonstrating to our kids a much-needed sense of self worth, and that we are worthy of true love, will teach them that they are worthy as well.

The alternative, teaching our children they should always choose others over themselves, may be an unhealthy, even harmful, precedent to set. Instead, we should teach our children to have self respect by showing them how to set healthy boundaries, and to have clear expectations about how they should allow themselves to be treated. When we, ourselves, choose to live our lives with strength and dignity, in place of fear and ambivalence, we’re setting an example our children will follow.

Perhaps the position that children are better off when their parents stay together is too narrow a view. Rather, in order for our children to grow up to be brave, self-respecting, autonomous adults, they need two parents who are, themselves, emotionally healthy and happy, whether living together or not.

Sadly, when couples decide to stay together “for the children”, often the real reason is that it’s simply easier. Changing the way we live is daunting and difficult, so we elect to stay where we are, rather than building a better life for ourselves.

But I wonder, by choosing to settle for less than the happiness we all deserve, what, really, are we imparting upon our children? Are we teaching them to be the best version of themselves and to live the best life they can lead? Or are we leaving them with the notion that it’s better to stay stuck in a life or relationship that is unfulfilling, and maybe even unhealthy, simply because it’s easier?

One thing that is inescapable is that change in life is inevitable, and it’s up to us, as parents, to teach our children how to navigate. While choosing a different life for ourselves may be the hardest thing any of us could ever do, it’s the way we handle these difficult situations which affects our children the most. When we refuse to flee from conflict or difficult circumstances, but instead, handle the changes and challenges in our lives with honesty and grace, our children will learn to do the same.

Perhaps it isn’t our job to martyr ourselves for our children. Perhaps, instead, it’s our job to raise intelligent, capable, emotionally mature adults who understand they have choices. And while not always easy, even difficult choices can be made with integrity.

It’s a sad but simple fact that many of us, after decades of marriage, find we are no longer the same people we were. People change, and we don’t always change in ways that are compatible. There is no one to blame. But perhaps the injustice comes when we become unwilling to admit the reality of our situation and, instead, hold ourselves and our children hostage to an unrealistic ideal that serves no one, and only wastes precious time we cannot replace.

Above all, perhaps what we should be teaching our children is that life is too precious to waste. And that they are worthy of happiness and of living their lives in the fullest and truest way they can imagine, and they needn’t settle for less.

And as much as we want that happiness for our children, perhaps we shouldn’t be afraid to want the same for ourselves. I believe we all deserve to wake up each morning wildly in love with our lives. After all, isn’t that, really, what we want to impart upon our children?

M.C. Greene

My heartfelt thanks to Donald P. and Sherrie B. for sharing their stories with me. And thank you, Emily B., for your honesty and your insight.

(P.S. Do We Show Or Tell?)