When We Ignore The Red Flags

It’s the first week in July, and we are halfway through our summer break. This week it finally feels like we’re on vacation. The month of June was filled with traveling from place to place and one football tournament after another, and The Greatest Kid On The Planet is tired. So is his mom. But, today, we are relaxing by the shore in one of our favorite places with some of our favorite people. The ocean is quiet this morning, and it looks lazy, as if reluctant to make too much effort in the early morning sun. But I know, soon enough, the tide will awaken, and we will spend the afternoon hours floating in the waves. It’s a break The Greatest Kid really needs for, in just a matter of days, he will be back on the football field. He is learning life doesn’t get easier as you get older and start chasing your dreams. I find myself clinging to these moments as I watch him growing into the man he is to become. I know the days of long, lazy summer vacations are over, at least for the time being, and while I miss those days, I would never trade away where we are now. I know the best is yet to come.

As I’m sitting here searching the ocean for answers, I’m contemplating a conversation I had a short time ago with a young woman named Jayna. When Jayna first wrote to me, she had just ended a two year long relationship.

Jayna had read my previous post about letting go and moving past the pain, and she said that was where she currently was. And then she said something curious.

“I don’t know why I held on for so long when I knew from the beginning it wasn’t right.”

I asked Jayna what she meant, and she answered that, for a long time, she’d thought, or, at least, she’d convinced herself, that it could and would get better. But it never did.

“I had this perfect picture in my mind, and I kept hoping for that. In the end, it was just a disaster, and I feel like I wasted two years of my life. I should have left sooner.”

I wonder how many of us wind up saying those same words at some point. And I wonder, why do we do it? Why do we stay even when it doesn’t feel right?

Hindsight, they say, is twenty-twenty. But is it truly all hindsight? Or do we own some of it from the start?

One thing I think is true for all of us is that we all want to be loved and to feel affection, and to experience a genuine connection with another person. We’re wired for it. We’re wired for connection and communication, and we all desire and deserve to be heard and seen and valued and understood.

But I also think that, sometimes, we want it so badly we ignore what’s right in front of us, and we pretend we don’t see what we see.

It makes sense that, when we meet someone new, we want to give it a fair chance. And we should. Relationships take time to build. But, too often, in the spirit of giving it a chance, we push away the voice in the back of our head or the feeling in the pit of our stomach telling us that something isn’t right.

The real problem comes when we find ourselves doing that over and over again.

There is a difference between giving someone the benefit of the doubt and making excuses for their behavior, especially when it becomes a pattern. Repeated behaviors that are hurtful or disrespectful, or that make us feel unwanted or unworthy, are behaviors we shouldn’t make excuses for, not for anyone.

So, why do we do it? Why do we lead ourselves into rough waters? When we know the ride is rarely fun?

I have to wonder what it is we think we stand to gain by ignoring the red flags that are, sometimes, waving boldly right in front of us. We’ve all done it, myself included.

Instead of acknowledging what we see, we sift and we sort. We pull out the good parts and we find a way to disregard or make excuses for the bad. And then we gather together all of the pieces we like, and we try to make them fit.

But the problem with pretending we don’t see what’s in front of us is it doesn’t bring us what we want. It doesn’t bring us the love we truly desire. It doesn’t bring us joy or contentment, or a sense of peace or a genuine commitment. It doesn’t bring us anywhere near where we want to be and, in fact, does just the opposite. We are keeping ourselves far from all we hope for, and we are, instead, pretending to have something we don’t really have.

The truth is, we can only ignore that feeling of discontent for so long before that voice in our head becomes louder, and the feeling that something isn’t right grows stronger. We can choose to listen to that feeling, and we can make a different choice for ourselves. And sometimes we do.

But often, we try to bury that feeling, and after a while, it becomes a part of us, a feeling we feel but don’t acknowledge, and little by little, we change. We go from just accepting to settling for something, and the years go by until, one day, we look around and realize we are no longer the person we once were.

It seems like a high price to pay, doesn’t it, for something that was never meant for us?

Something I learned a long time ago that I know we all struggle to put into practice is this:  If it feels like it isn’t right, it’s because it isn’t. Let it go.

I know those words are so much easier said than done. But maybe we should ask ourselves what it is we’re looking for. Do we want to keep starting over and over until we’ve worn ourselves down? Or are we looking for something that lasts?

Perhaps it all begins with learning to respect ourselves. And perhaps we need to stop second guessing our own intuition. We show ourselves great disrespect when we ignore what we feel and what we know.

Our intuition is everything. It is the infinite spirit inside each of us that is trying to guide us to our true self. It knows where we are supposed to be, and it knows what is meant for us and what isn’t. We all have it. It is up to us whether or not we listen to it.

When we ignore our inner self, we are ignoring our guide, the part of us that knows us better than we know ourselves. It knows everything about us, and it knows when we are getting ourselves into a situation we are not supposed to be in. The red flags waving in front of us, the ones we’re trying to pretend aren’t there, those are our guidance system. They are a part of us, and they are trying to warn us away from danger. I’ve seen those red flags waving on the shore. They are telling us to stay away. It isn’t safe.

Perhaps before getting to know someone else, we should strive to genuinely know ourselves. And before looking for someone to love, we should learn to love ourselves first.

Part of self-love means setting healthy boundaries and choosing to step away from relationships that make us feel less than valued. We disrespect ourselves when we ignore that voice in the back of our mind. Choosing to put ourselves first means recognizing and acknowledging that voice, trusting it, and listening to it. When we respect that inner guidance system, we are less likely to settle for something we know isn’t real or right for us.

At the end of the day, no matter the circumstance and no matter how tempting it may seem in the beginning, when that feeling comes around, it’s telling us the satisfaction we feel will be fleeting in comparison to the pain we will bring upon ourselves if we ignore what we know and pretend we don’t see what we see. The price we will pay is too high, and, sometimes, it will mean losing years of our life.

The hard part, I know, is to be patient and wait for what is really meant for us. But it will find us, when we let it.

For now, I am going to make the most of the few lazy moments this summer will allow us. And in a few days, I will trade sitting by the shore watching the tides for standing by the sidelines, watching The Greatest Kid run like the wind and be his amazing self. And I will bring with me the lessons I learned watching the waves turn one after the other in perpetual motion. There is peace and harmony in watching the perfect rhythm of the way things are supposed to be. It reminds me that we all have that perfect peace and harmony inside of us. We simply have to be willing to find it and not sacrifice it for anything when we do.

Something I’ve said before that I will say again is this:

We all deserve love and respect, and kindness and consideration, and the ability to chase our dreams and share our visions, and to express ourselves and be ourselves, and to feel loved, and valued, and heard, and understood. I know I do. And I know everyone else does, too.

But our peace of mind and our well-being, and our sense of self-worth and our self-respect, should not be the price we pay for what is supposed to be love.

M.C. Greene

Thank you, Jayna, for your honest and candid conversation. I think you are very brave. Please be kind to yourself.

P.S.  This Is What I Know