We Don’t Let People Hurt Us; We Trust Them Not To

Recently, I was flipping through a popular magazine, and I came across an article that said something like this: If someone hurts or betrays you, instead of being angry and blaming them, ask yourself why you let them treat you that way.

This sentiment left me feeling frustrated, and I couldn’t help but wonder, when did we stop holding people accountable for their actions? And why do we blame ourselves when someone treats us badly?

Every day, we have the choice to look for the good in others. Unfortunately, at some time or another, many, if not most of us, will put our trust in someone who doesn’t have our best interests at heart. It’s disheartening, and sometimes heartbreaking, when we find someone we trusted didn’t honor that trust. For many of us, the first thing we do is blame ourselves for “letting” it happen and for not seeing what we think we should have seen.

So many people, it seems, find themselves in this situation, and, earlier this summer, I received a number of emails which produced some very heartfelt and disheartening conversations.

Robyn W. of West Chester, PA, was living with Mike for two years. They shared a bank account, the rent, and even a six-year-old Jack Russel Terrier named Charlie. As it turned out, for the two years they were together, Mike was also involved in a relationship with someone else. One day, Robyn came home to find that Mike and all of his belongings, including half the money in their bank account and the two thousand dollar Kona road bike she’d bought him for his birthday, was gone. A month later, he and his new fiance were making wedding plans. In her email to me, Robyn expressed a great deal of hurt and anger at Mike, but she was more angry with herself. She said, “I feel stupid. Why didn’t I see it? How could I let him do that to me?”

Robyn’s words stayed with me, and they made me wonder. Why do we do this? Why do we blame ourselves for the hurtful actions of others?

In a world where it seems so many have their own agenda, and people are looking out for themselves, it can be extremely difficult to trust. For anyone who has been hurt or disappointed in the past by the actions of another, trusting someone can be akin to an act of bravery. Like jumping from an airplane or riding a roller coaster, (one of my biggest fears), you hold on tight, close your eyes, and hope for the best.

Nonetheless, most of us still try to see the best in others and choose to believe people have good intentions. Unfortunately, things don’t always turn out the way we’d like. Some time ago, I found myself in the painful position of putting my own trust in someone who didn’t have my best interests at heart. Afterward, I spent weeks that turned into months berating and beating myself up.

What I’ve learned, after some painful soul searching and complete surrender to the wisdom of others far more enlightened than me, is that trusting someone does not make us responsible for their actions. And giving someone the benefit of the doubt does not mean we gave them permission to hurt us. It means we trusted them not to.

It often comes as a shock when we find someone we trusted was purposely deceptive. And it’s easy to blame ourselves for making the mistake of putting our faith in the wrong person. But rather than telling ourselves we should have known better, maybe we should remember that we put our trust in people, not because we believe they will hurt us, but because we choose to believe they won’t.

Perhaps, instead of being so hard on ourselves, we should stop blaming ourselves for the misdeeds of others and learn to show ourselves some grace.

Putting our faith in other people can be an incredibly difficult thing to do. It means we’re allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and choosing to see the good at a time when it’s so easy to assume the worst. If someone doesn’t honor the faith we’ve put in them, that, sadly, is a reflection on them, not on us. Rather than blaming ourselves for the hurt someone else has left behind, we should be willing to show ourselves grace for having a good heart and choosing to believe the best.

Despite things that have happened in the past, I still believe people are essentially good and have good intentions, and I’ll continue to believe that over and over, no matter how many times I may be disproven.

For as hurtful as another may have been, and no matter how much we think we should have seen the red flags, or should have known it was coming, or been smarter, more discerning, or more careful for ourselves, we are never to blame for the lies and betrayals and words and wiles of other people. And we should never let the actions of another change our heart or our perspective. Or keep us from trusting in the future.

And while I would never presume to tell anyone how to heal from a disappointment or a heartbreak, something I will say is this. Don’t ever disparage yourself for choosing to trust.

And never apologize for having a good heart.

M.C. Greene

Thank you, Robyn W., for allowing me to share your story. Please be kind to yourself.

I love this beautiful photo taken by Jordan Sanchez. I recently learned it was taken in Latvia, where both of my parents were born.

P.S. From Heartache To Resilience