That Little Voice; Why Don’t We Listen?

Last month, I published a post titled We Don’t Let People Hurt Us; We Trust Them Not To. Often, when someone treats us badly, the first thing we do is blame ourselves for “letting” it happen. However, I believe rather than blaming ourselves, we should learn to show ourselves some grace and remember putting our faith in others doesn’t mean we gave them permission to hurt us. It means we trusted them not to.

I received a number of messages following that post which provoked a great deal of thought and some interesting and heartfelt conversations. One of those conversations took place with Robert W. from Wilmington, North Carolina.

Robert had been divorced and single for seven years when he finally met “The One”. He fell head over heels and knew it was meant to be, and a year later, they were married. But something didn’t feel right. Six months after they’d purchased a new home and started a new life, the love of his life left him. Robert was destroyed, but not surprised. In his message to me, he wrote: “Usually that voice in our head is telling us something is wrong, but we just ignore it. So, in a way, it is our fault.”

We all know that little voice Robert was speaking of. We all have it, and we’ve all heard it. Sometimes it’s nothing more than an inkling, a nagging feeling tugging at the back of our mind. Other times, it’s a megaphone broadcasting its message loud and clear in inescapable decibels. Either way, in so many situations, and most often in relationships, we ignore what that inner voice is telling us, and we go about our way. This seems such a common occurrence that I have to wonder, when that voice is speaking to us, why don’t we listen?

It’s easy to understand why we dread the moment that inner voice pops into our head. It always chooses to surface at the worst possible moment, when we’re striving to make something happen, or when we believe everything is going just right. We refer to it as gut instinct, a premonition, or our subconscious. But whatever we choose to call it, it’s as if we have an internal alarm warning us that something is bound to do us harm if we don’t pause and take a step back.

With all the other warnings we heed on a daily basis, why is this one so difficult to obey? We pay attention to red lights at an intersection. We stop, and yield, and slow down when we know there is danger ahead. So, why, then, when this inner voice is speaking to us, do we simply close our eyes and move on?

The truth is, we are all programmed to anticipate disaster. We worry, and we doubt, and we imagine the worst, but deep down, we’re really hoping for the best. We don’t listen to that voice when it rears its ugly head, quite simply, because we’re hoping that, this time, it’s going to be wrong.

That voice is never so unwelcome as when it approaches us about someone we love. It’s heartbreaking when we first get the notion that something is amiss. It’s no wonder our first reaction is to find an excuse. We tell ourselves we’re being overly cautious, or too sensitive, or suspicious. Or we’re being negative or expecting too much. We lay the burden for our negative feelings on ourselves, and we keep on hoping. We don’t want to believe we’ve given our heart and our trust to someone who isn’t going to handle them with care.

And then, if the worst does come to pass, we blame ourselves for not listening to what that voice was telling us all along.

I’m sure, for many of us, there are times when we feel we’ve been careless with our own hearts. But choosing not to listen to that voice doesn’t mean we allowed something to happen. We should never blame or berate ourselves when, given the choice to think the worst, we, instead, chose to hope for the best. We should remember that having a good heart is a strength, not a weakness. And it’s far easier to doubt and look for fault than it is to trust and have faith.

I hate the fact that my inner voice has such an impressive track record. It’s been proven right far more than it’s been wrong. And while I wish I could say it’s helped me dodge a barrel full of bullets, it would be more accurate to say I’ve been hit by a few. I suppose, in most of those cases, the outcome would have been different had I listened, even markedly so. However, even then, when given the choice, I will always choose to give the benefit of the doubt. I refuse to believe we’ve come to a place where we should always assume and expect the worst, and then not be surprised when it happens.

Over time, I’ve learned to listen more closely when that voice is speaking to me. There is, after all, something to be said for learning from our past and not repeating our mistakes. But I’ve also learned to be gentle with myself when I stumble. If I am to err, I would prefer to be one who errs from having an open heart, and I won’t belittle myself when I do. We’re often harder on ourselves than we are on others, and we can find a million ways to blame ourselves for any number of things. But having a good heart should never be one of them.

M.C. Greene

To everyone who wrote to me, thank you for your thoughts and your insight. And thank you, Robert, for your honesty and for graciously allowing me to share your story. In answer to the question you posed in your last email: Yes, I absolutely do.

(This lovely photo was taken by Victor Collados.)