Next week, my eleven-year-old will graduate from elementary school. He will spend his last days as a fifth-grader, and then we will spend the summer soaking up the sun and digging in the sand and getting excited about the approaching football season. And at the beginning of August, when vacation is over, he will get on a new bus, at a new time, and go to a new school, his first day as a sixth-grader and the beginning of his middle school years. It’s a really big deal.
Last week, my son came home from school with his fifth-grade year book, and it went on the shelf with the others from previous years. My son spends little time flipping through the pages, but I like to take my time and enjoy the various images of all the smiling faces from the year gone by, this one being a bit more bittersweet than others.
In the back of the yearbook is a space for parents to write well wishes to their graduating fifth-grader, and these pages are filled with the heartfelt sentiments of love and encouragement that we want our children to remember as they close one chapter and start a new adventure. As parents, it’s important to us that our children feel valued and have pride in their accomplishments. We want them to know they have our full support, and we love them unconditionally. And we want them to know they can do anything they set their minds to. The future is open, and the world is their oyster.
I often sit and watch my son and think about all he has to look forward to, both in the near future and beyond. I hope he will believe in himself as much as I believe in him, and I imagine all of the amazing things he will do. But my greatest hope for him is that he will never be disappointed in himself or in the life he chooses, and if he ever finds himself on the wrong path, as we sometimes do, that he will have the courage to forge himself anew.
I express my thoughts to my son often, as I’m sure other moms and dads do. As parents, we can see the future in a way our children can’t. But as we try our best to prepare the way for them, how do we impress upon them the importance of our words and the weight they carry?
At my son’s age, he cannot truly understand. Not until he is older and has experienced the highs and lows and victories and disappointments that life will bestow will the implications behind the words I’ve imparted really resonate. And even then, the things he has heard me say over and over will never be what speak to him the most.
The truth is, our children will follow our example more than they will follow our advice. They will remember, not what we said, but how we’ve lived, what we’ve shown them by our actions, and what they’ve learned by our example. They will learn to live their lives to the fullest, and be all they can be, by watching us do the very same.
This being the case, the question then arises: as much as we want for our children, should we not want the same for ourselves? How can we expect our children to rise and strive to be their best, when we allow ourselves to settle for less?
I have to wonder, as I think about all we want to impress upon our kids as parents, when was the last time any one of us looked at ourselves in the mirror and said these words to the image staring back…
“I am so proud of you.”
“I believe in you.”
“You should be so proud of all you’ve accomplished.”
“You can do anything you set your mind to.”
“I love you with all my heart.”
I’ve heard it said that, as parents, we’re supposed to want more for our children than we want for ourselves. We want them to have more than us, to do more and be better. But who is it we expect them to learn from?
Every day, we are teaching our children, by our example, whom we want them to become, and they will emulate what they see. They will learn by watching how we conduct ourselves in our relationships and in our careers. They see our character and our integrity, or lack thereof. We can speak to our children about being kind and doing the right things, but our words must match our actions; for while they are listening and hear what we say, in the end, they will follow our lead.
If we want our children to strive to be the very best version of themselves, then we must resolve to do the same. If we want them to choose true happiness over being comfortable or simply “okay”, then we must find the courage in ourselves to not settle for less. If we want our children to have strength in the face of defeat and not shy away from adversity, then we need to face our challenges head on and not hide from, or succumb, to our fears. And if we want our children to choose love over hate, to look for the good in everyone, to be kind and not judge, and to have a good heart, then we must remember they will learn by how we treat others, and by how we treat ourselves.
We can tell our children everything we want for them, and hope they will listen and learn. But our words can never replace what they will gain by watching how we’ve lived and the choices we’ve made. We can tell them to chase their dreams and make every day count, but if we truly want our children to be happy, forgiving, kind, and courageous, then the best thing we can do for them is to strive to be everything we want them to be and show them how it’s done.
M.C. Greene
(Photo by Danielle McInnes)