In my previous post, I relayed the importance of showing grace to ourselves. Often, throughout our lives, we are our own worst critics. We can be particularly harsh and show ourselves little mercy when we’ve failed or fallen short of our own expectations. And the last thing we want is to share these failures or inadequacies with the rest of the world.
Today, reality TV and social media give us a glimpse into the everyday lives of seemingly ordinary people, showcasing their triumphs as well as their trials, and many of us find ourselves captivated. Creative non-fiction, personal essays, and memoirs are the reality TV of the literary world. Authors such as Anne Lamott, Maya Angelou, and Joan Didion take us on unforgettable journeys through their lives with brutal honesty, baring their souls and often breaking our hearts, but giving us hope in the process.
Most of us, myself included, admire those brave enough to go on a “no holds barred” journey of self-discovery. It’s a process easier to applaud from the sidelines than to participate in ourselves. We’re inspired by the courage to openly explore afflictions and imperfections, and we graciously accept the opportunity to learn from what others have experienced and endured, while saving us from partaking in such a journey ourselves.
The truth is, putting ourselves out there for the entire world to see is a terrifying thought. Letting others in on our imperfections leaves us open to criticism and judgement, two things we zealously avoid.
While there are those who would be loath to admit it, what most of us really want is to feel we belong. More often than not, this means hiding our weaknesses from ourselves and from others. However, educators such as Deepak Chopra and Brene Brown teach us the first step to true belonging is self-acceptance, and this means embracing everything about ourselves, imperfections and all.
For many of us, allowing others to see us as vulnerable is almost too unnerving to fathom. We are often reluctant to admit our shortcomings to ourselves, never mind sharing them with others. Instead, we hold ourselves to impossible standards, and part of this means controlling the image we portray. The problem comes when we project this desired self-image onto those around us. When we set standards of perfection for our own lives, we can become intolerant toward anything less. And the harder we are on ourselves, the harder we can be on others.
It is, in fact, the quest for perfection which isolates us. We lose ourselves in our need to impress with all that we have and all that we are. Sadly, our efforts to prove our worthiness often leave us disconnected. When we hide our true selves in our interactions with others, we come across as disingenuous, and we wind up distancing ourselves. In this way, the pursuit for perfection is both exhausting and expensive. When we spend our lives trying to portray something we think we should be, we risk living a life in which no one ever really knows who we are.
If the true meaning of our lives is to connect deeply with others, then it would seem the way to accomplish this is by being our true, authentic selves, and by allowing others to do the same. Rather than striving to model perfection, perhaps we could become less intolerant of imperfection. And if we can learn to practice empathy and understanding, maybe we can let go of our fear of rejection and cultivate an atmosphere of compassion instead.
It is for each of us to decide how we allow the opinions of others to color our lives. And while it’s true there will always be those who stand in judgement, most people feel a sense of relief when we let down our guard and show our true selves. Rather than distancing us, our willingness to share our trials as well as our triumphs brings us closer together. When we find the courage to be open and honest about who we are, it opens the door for others to do the same.
In a world where everyone is looking, liking, tweeting, and sharing, the thought of appearing vulnerable is unsettling. But while we all strive to put our best faces forward, the truth is, we are all imperfect, and in so many of the same imperfect ways. If we can learn to accept this, and realize we are all the same in our desire for love and connection, then perhaps we can get past our need to judge and compare.
In the end, in order to feel truly accepted by others, we must be willing to show our true selves, and that means embracing everything about ourselves. When we learn to show ourselves love and compassion for all our imperfections and find peace with who we are, only then can we be at peace with others. This, I believe, is where true acceptance begins.
M.C. Greene
P.S. A Question of Grace
(This lovely photo was taken by Hamish Clark)