Hurt And Hate And How We Get To Grace

I never grow tired of how quickly things can change here in the South. Over the last few weeks, we’ve skipped back and forth between weather warm enough to call out the cherry blossoms and an unexpected blizzard that hung around long enough to enjoy seeing snow on the ground for a day. So far, this new year, The Greatest Kid On The Planet and I have celebrated both of our birthdays and had the best time ever (we say that every year), and I got to watch in awe and wonder as The Greatest Kid officially became a teenager.

It seems there is never any shortage of reasons to celebrate, and, one day last week, The Greatest Kid On The Planet came home from school and informed me that Friday, February 14, was Valentine’s Day. This, of course, was something I already knew, but I was curious about the way he said it.

“Why,” he asked, “do we have to have a day to remind people to be nice to each other?”

Ah, yes. What a great question. It should be an easy thing to do, shouldn’t it? Being kind to one another?

These are conversations The Greatest Kid and I have often, and I, again, took a moment to say all of the things I wanted him to hear. That we should treat others the way we want to be treated, and it’s important to show love and kindness to everyone. And maybe certain days of the year help us remember something that is often forgotten. Because, unfortunately, the world isn’t always what we would like it to be, and we will find that, sometimes, people aren’t always kind.

Then The Greatest Kid said, “I ignore those people because they are just angry at themselves,” and I was struck by how easily he said it.

It makes me sad to think he has learned, at such a young age, something I didn’t until I was much older. But I know The Greatest Kid came to understand years ago that people aren’t always kind, no matter what we do or don’t do. Still, I relay that it’s important to always do our best to treat people well, not because of who they are, but because of who we are.

But the Greatest Kid’s thirteen-year-old brain still sees black and white. He tells me it isn’t always easy, and even though he tries, sometimes, when he’s angry, or frustrated, or feeling hurt, it’s really hard.

So, I say all I can think of to say.

Yes, sometimes it really is.

I wish I could tell him all of these things will get easier as he gets older. And one day he’ll step into adulthood, and all of the confusion and discord will magically repair themselves, and he’ll find himself in a gentler and kinder place.

But I know this isn’t true. So, for now, I tell him not to be hard on himself. There is a difference between the way we sometimes react when we are hurt, or upset, and someone who is purposely unkind. But in both cases, the best thing we can do is show grace both to ourselves and to others. I know The Greatest Kid is listening, and I know he hears me. But I also know the words will resonate and mean so much more to him when he is older.

Still, I do appreciate the feeling of love and well-being that resonates during certain times of the year, but I have to agree with The Greatest Kid. Shouldn’t we live that way every day?

This is a conversation I have so often with so many people in different situations that it makes me wonder. Why do we find it so hard to show empathy and kindness to everyone? And, maybe more importantly, why do we find it difficult to show that same kindness and understanding to ourselves? Because, really, isn’t that where it all begins?

It’s hard to reconcile wanting to look for the good in other people with not being blind to their actions. But the truth is, not everyone we meet in our lifetime is going to treat us well. And, unfortunately, for many of us, there will be moments in our life when our path will cross with someone whose actions can only be described as hateful.

It’s distressing that, these days, we have names for people like this. We call them haters and bullies and narcissists, and we write songs and books about them, and we try to avoid them, and we teach our children to be better. But, like it or not, whether for a mere moment or a whole season, many of us will, at some point, find ourselves on the receiving end of the words and wiles of one who doesn’t wish us well, and we will feel angry and frustrated and, maybe, even deeply hurt and damaged.

During those times, we can try our best to rise above, but, like The Greatest Kid said, it isn’t always easy. And while we may, at times, react with less than the grace we would hope for ourselves, our missteps do not make us the same. Reacting when we are in a painful place, even in a hurtful manner, does not mean we are hateful. It simply means we are human.

During those times when we find ourselves at less than our best, when we are overwhelmed by emotion or blindsided by heartache, perhaps, rather than berating ourselves, we should, instead, learn to show ourselves some grace. It is from there, then, that we can learn and grow.

But what, then, of showing grace to those who have hurt us? Or those who are simply hateful? Because there is a difference, isn’t there? We all possess the capacity to show love and kindness and empathy and understanding. So, why don’t we?

Perhaps The Greatest Kid was correct when he said those who treat others unkindly are simply angry with themselves.

These days, the signs are everywhere, books and quotes and Ted Talks and blogs telling us another person’s behavior has nothing to do with us. But rather, the way we treat others is a measure of who and where we are mentally and emotionally, and reflects how we feel about ourselves more than how we feel about anyone else. We’ve learned to reason the ability to be hateful is not brought on by the actions of another, but, rather, comes from within. And while hatefulness often finds a specific target or person on which to land, it has little to do with anyone it may be pointed at.

What I find so disheartening, however, is that whether the result of surrounding circumstances, or a trauma suffered, years of hardships endured, or a lack of self-worth brought on by it all, these harmfully destructive feelings and tendencies become so deeply ingrained that they become a part of one’s personality, so much so that they are no longer recognized for what they are.

So, for those of us who find ourselves in the cross-hairs of another’s hurtful or hateful behavior, what should we do? When so much of how we treat others is in response to how they treat us?

The answer, we are told, is to give grace. We can choose not to take the actions of others personally, even when directed at us, and instead, give grace to those who treat us badly.

It seems it should be an easy thing to do, and, often, it is. We can find it in ourselves to look past the behavior of the harried mom who cuts us off in the carpool line, or the stranger who steals our parking space. We can easily turn the other cheek and give grace to those unknown to us beyond a brief or random encounter whose actions are of no immediate or future consequence.

But what of someone who has done, seemingly, irreparable damage or up-ended our world? What of those who have left us feeling blindsided and broken? How do we get to grace then?

Last September, I published a post about the difference between selfish and selfless love, and I said I believe true love is selfless. I wrote that when we truly love someone, we desire their happiness as much as our own, and we are not okay with letting them live anything less than their very best life, even when their idea of happiness does not align with ours.

Shortly after publishing that post, I received an email from Lisa S. from Lakewood, Colorado. Lisa and her husband were celebrating their fourth wedding anniversary, preparing for the arrival of their second child, and getting ready to buy a new home when her husband told her he didn’t want the same things. Shortly after, he moved out, and Lisa learned he had moved in with someone else. In her email, Lisa said to me, “I don’t hate him, but I can’t forgive him. I know I’m supposed to, but I don’t feel like I can.”

So much of what we see and hear these days tells us we are supposed to look past our own hurt and give grace to any and all. But giving grace while we are in a fragile state of pain and disarray can be nearly impossible. Perhaps, at these times, when we find ourselves at our lowest, we need to be willing to love ourselves through our grief and our anger and, in this way, learn to show grace to ourselves.

I don’t believe we should wish harm on others, but it is unrealistic to believe we can navigate our way through our pain with feelings of well-being towards someone who has hurt us. Forgiveness takes time, and it is a choice, not a feeling. We can choose to forgive, but that does not mean feelings of well-being immediately follow. Letting go of our anger is something essential we must do for ourselves, but it is a long way from there to grace.

Perhaps we need to be willing to accept that healing is a process. Finding our way back from heartache takes time and patience and, sometimes, years, and it is something we must do in our own way. And while I do not believe we should allow ourselves to stay stuck in our grief, one of the most destructive things we can do is not allow ourselves to feel what we feel.

Unresolved feelings of hurt and anger do not lead us to grace. They keep us far from it. And they revolve in a dangerously perpetuating cycle. We cannot heal ourselves and become whole while feeding anger and bitterness. And we cannot reach for love and happiness while we are stuck in the mire of past hurts and heartache. I do not believe that hurt equals hate, but I do believe that, so often, a place of hurt is where hatefulness begins.

Perhaps we should stop expecting so much from ourselves and accept that we are emotional beings in a messy, imperfect world, and things and people will not always turn out the way we had hoped or believed or expected.

I do believe we should give grace whenever we can, but I also believe we should accept that having a good heart doesn’t mean we are perfect, and there will be times when showing grace to ourselves is the best we can do. And, maybe, that is enough.

To show love and kindness and empathy towards others, we must, first, be willing to show the same to ourselves. And sometimes that means allowing ourselves time to heal, to get past our hurt, and to let go of blame. And to release all of our anger. Maybe that is how we get to a place of forgiveness. And, maybe, that is how we find peace.

And maybe that, then, is how we get to grace.

M.C. Greene

Lisa S., my heartfelt thanks to you for allowing me to share your story. I think you are incredibly brave. Please be kind to yourself.

This lovely photo was taken by Elena Moiseeva.

(A Question Of Grace )

P.S. I started writing this post last week while I was also waiting to hear what I’d hoped would be good news about a six-year-old little girl who’d gone missing in South Carolina. On Thursday, the news was not good. Since then, I’ve walked around with a heavy heart. I would never diminish or disparage the heartache any person has endured, but it’s hard and seems inapt to write about giving grace when lives have been irreparably altered by unspeakable evil. Does everyone truly deserve grace? How do we answer that?

Perhaps we should simply pray for healing instead.