Are We Selfless Or Selfish When It Comes To Love?

It’s one of those amazing, late summer mornings here in the South. I’m sitting on my back porch, and the air is cool with a sharp, little edge. It’s a surprisingly delightful respite from the heat the day will surely bring. For us here in Georgia, summer isn’t quite through with us yet, but mornings like this leave us hopeful for all that is to come.

It’s hard to believe The Greatest Kid On The Planet has almost two months of school under his belt already. Even though, for us, the school year starts early, football season comes with it, and that is a trade off The Greatest Kid will gladly make.

Our summer this year has been the very best ever. And while I say that every year, I love how the little detours that steer us from our path often lead us to unexpected adventures we might have otherwise missed. These past few months, a pesky injury slowed me down and waylaid my focus, but I’ve spent more time reading and responding to emails than I’ve been able to in the past. The Universe, I believe, brings us just what we need when we need it, and I’ve had the privilege of connecting with some of the most genuine and inspiring people.

Earlier this year, I wrote a post about settling for less than the kind of love we all deserve, and I said I believe everyone deserves to love and be loved freely and unconditionally, without guilt, agenda, or judgment. And I believe true love is selfless; that is, when our focus is on the happiness and well-being of another, and we are more concerned with adding to that person’s happiness than with securing our own, then that is selfless love. I believe it’s the kind of love we all crave. Truly selfless love between two people brings a sense of peace, harmony, and connection. And when we find someone who feels the same way we do, who shares our hopes and who desires our happiness as much as their own, it’s the kind of love that feeds our soul.

On the other hand, when love is driven by a need to satisfy our own needs, desires, and ideas of life and love then that is not selfless love. That is love based on self-love, or selfish love. It’s love bestowed upon another with the intention of fulfilling our own agenda. Whether or not we are doing it subconsciously, our focus is on how the other person makes us feel.

It’s a conundrum, really. So much of being in love is about the way we feel when we’re with someone. We all have an idea of what we would like our life to look like, and for many of us, part of that picture involves finding someone to share it with.

But the truth is, truly selfless love isn’t about how we feel.

We often hear it said that loving someone is not the same as “being in” love. But I have to wonder, when it comes to relationships, shouldn’t they be one and the same?

It seems love is easy when all is going well. We feel affection and well-being towards one another when we’re in sync, and our needs are fulfilled, and we’re satisfied with what we have and how we’re living. But the truest tests of love rarely come when all is well. Discord appears in the form of disagreements, and differing opinions and plans, and can throw our peace off balance.

Still, compromise is the foundation that holds us together. We give and we get, and the scale is forever tipping and turning from one side to the other, but it’s the overall balance that makes it work. Sacrificing to help another achieve happiness is something we’re happy to do when it’s something we do for each other.

But what happens when all of that changes? What happens when the person we’ve built our life with tells us they no longer feel the same way we do? What happens when they reveal they no longer desire the same things, and they want to make a change and move on? What do we do when we find our happiness, our comfort and security, and all we’ve worked for and acquired is at stake and threatened, not by an unknown, outside source, but by the very person we profess to love the most?

Love is supposed to feel good. But truly selfless love often doesn’t.

So often we struggle when we find ourselves in this situation. We are, after all, only human, and it’s difficult to feel love for another and wish them well when our heart is broken and our world is upside down. But stepping out of our own grief and choosing grace over guilt and anger, I believe, is one of the most selfless things we can do.

The truth, I believe, is that truly loving someone selflessly means we desire their happiness and well-being as much as our own, and we’re not okay with allowing them to live anything less than their very best life.

In the beginning of May, I received a very poignant email from Daniel G. from Vernon Hills, IL. Daniel wrote that when he read my March post, he was struck by what I said about becoming complacent and settling into a life and love that was no longer fulfilling. He said that was where he’d found himself years ago. He and his wife had been married for eighteen years when he told her they should separate. He said they’d grown apart and were unhappy, and he didn’t think they should live that way.

In Daniel’s email exchange with me, he relayed that people in his life told him he was being selfish for wanting to start over. But in the end, he and his wife divorced. Two years later, she remarried, and while he is still single, he says he knows he did the right thing. “She’s happier than she ever was with me.”

I love how honest Daniel was in sharing his story with me. Some people might agree and say he was being selfish. But I think what he did was brave.

I believe we all have the right to live our very best life, a life filled with true and authentic love and happiness. And I believe we should want the same for each other.

That post from March started a number of conversations and stirred up so many different viewpoints and thoughts and emotions on what it means to be selfless or selfish when it comes to love. Hurt, guilt, anger, heartbreak, and regret were all expressed in the stories people shared. And there was one question that arose more than once. What about commitment?

If we have committed ourselves to building a life with someone, and we take that commitment seriously, then shouldn’t we expect them to do the same?

Yes, I believe we should. But what should we do when we’ve done all we can, and we still find ourselves in a place where the commitment we’ve made is no longer mutual?

It would be nice if we lived in a perfect world where hearts were never broken and words didn’t hurt, and love stayed hopeful and new. And people remained exactly who and what they promised they’d be.

But the truth is life changes us. The years go by and we grow, and we raise our children and chase our dreams, and sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail or we falter. And sometimes we stop and look at ourselves in the middle of it all and realize we’re no longer who we once were.

Who is to blame?

The choice, really, is ours. We can hang tight to our ideals and refuse what’s in front of us, or we can look around and face the reality of the life we’re living.

The uncomfortable reality is that even after coming together with the best of intentions, people do change. So, if we happen to find ourselves in that place where the person we’ve committed to no longer feels the desire to honor the commitment they’ve made, then, yes, I suppose we could find a way to make them stay and hold to it. But I guess my question is this. Why would we want to?

In Daniel’s email exchange with me, he said he was told he was selfish for wanting to start over. But I have to wonder, if we are to label someone else as selfish for pursuing happiness, then should we not label ourselves the same for wanting our own?

Maybe the idea of being selfless when it comes to love works both ways. Yes, we could forego our own right to an authentic and fulfilling life for the sake of another and call it selfless love. But I have to think that if we, ourselves, were loved in the same selfless way, then those we were sacrificing for would never let us.

Maybe we need to reconsider what it means to be commited to one another. Whether we’ve committed to each other in front of God, a judge, our friends and families, or simply ourselves, perhaps truly loving someone means being invested in their happiness, whether or not their idea of happiness aligns with ours.

So, how do we reconcile it then? How do we reconcile our desire to live our very best life with the idea that selfless love means wanting someone else’s happiness as much as our own?

It’s such a good question.

Maybe they are, in fact, the same. Maybe our desire to live our best life is the same as wanting the best for each other.

I wrote in March that I don’t believe we accept the love we think we deserve. I believe we settle. Whether out of fear, guilt, shame, lack of self-worth, choosing comfort over courage, or the idea we should sacrifice ourselves for others, we ignore our inner voice and we settle into ambivalence and complacency, knowing we desire more. But I think what we’re forgetting is that when we settle and remain in a life or a love that no longer fulfills us, we are not just settling for ourselves. We have also committed someone else to settle, perhaps unknowingly, for less than the life they deserve as well.

Maybe what it comes down to is this. Maybe it isn’t about being selfless or selfish or sacrificing or settling. Maybe we are supposed to want to pursue our best life and to become the very best version of ourselves. And maybe, by doing so, we are helping the ones we love do the same.

Perhaps being our true and authentic selves is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to each other. I believe we all want the same thing, to be loved and validated and seen for who we truly are, not who we’re supposed to be. But only through acceptance and allowing ourselves to be seen can we achieve the true connection and intimacy we crave from one another. And only when we are thriving and feel complete can we inspire one another and nurture and guide and help each other grow.

Maybe, if we look around one day and realize the life we’re living doesn’t resemble the picture we had envisioned, we should be willing to change the picture in our mind of what it’s supposed to look like. So often, I think, our very best life doesn’t turn out to be what we had envisioned or planned or thought it would be. But if we can step out of fear and allow ourselves to have faith, and align ourselves with who we truly are, then maybe it can be so much more.

I wonder, what if we could all achieve true connection and peace and harmony, not just for ourselves, but for each other? If we were able to be our true and authentic selves and accept ourselves and one another without the burden of guilt, agenda, or judgement? What if we were to find ourselves in a life and a love that fulfills us and feeds our soul?

I wonder, what if we could become the best version of ourselves and live our very best life, and help the ones we love do the same?

What would that picture look like?

M.C. Greene

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me over the summer and sent me well wishes and Favorite Things, and to everyone who shared their stories with me. You are my inspiration. I am forever grateful for you.

Thank you, Daniel G., for your honesty and your insight and for allowing me to share your story.

I’m especially fond of sunflowers. This lovely photo was taken by Matthias Oberholzer.

P.S. This Is What I Know